How do you feel when someone calls you a name?

Let’s say someone calls you “jerk”. How would that make you feel?

Perhaps you think that it depends on the context. For instance, if you just did something rude or unkind to that person, then perhaps you think you deserve to be called a jerk.

Let me give you a few different scenarios…

1. You’re out for a walk, strolling along a nice trail through the woods and you meet another person walking in the opposite direction. As you pass by each other, you hear them say: “Jerk!” How does that make you feel?

2. You’re out for a walk, strolling along a nice trail through the woods and you meet another person walking in the opposite direction. As you pass by each other, they don’t actually say anything, but they look at you and think to themselves: “Jerk!” How does that make you feel?

3. You’re out for a walk, strolling along a nice trail through the woods and you meet another person walking in the opposite direction. As you pass by each other, they say: “Jerk!” but you don’t hear them because you are wearing headphones and listening to music. How does that make you feel?

Notice that in all three scenarios, the set-up is the same: “You’re out for a walk, strolling along a nice trail through the woods and you meet another person walking in the opposite direction.” In all three scenarios the word is the same: “Jerk!” So did you react the same way to each scenario?

Did it make a difference if they only thought it versus actually saying it?

Did it make a difference if they said it, but you didn’t hear it?

The point I want to make is that we are each responsible for our own reactions. Situations, in and of themselves, don’t come with built-in reactions, it’s up to us to define how we react. This is a key component to Choosing The Life You Want. Just because you’re “justified” in feeling a certain way, doesn’t mean you actually have to feel that way.

If a complete stranger on a walking trail says “Jerk!” as they pass by you, what does that mean? How do you react?

- Perhaps you assume that they are mentally unstable and are muttering to themselves.

- Perhaps you assume that you look like or remind them of someone they’re upset with.

- Perhaps you assume that you misheard them and that they couldn’t have possibly just called you a jerk.

- Perhaps you assume that they have some supernatural ability to see into your soul and have discovered your deep, dark secret - you really are a jerk!

And perhaps, if you’re able to suspend your reaction for a moment, you’ll realize (as I did today when this scenario happened to me on my morning walk) that they were just having a conversation with someone else while talking on a bluetooth headset!

As I see it, there are three times: past, present and future. I believe that while it is important to think about the past and the future, it is very dangerous to LIVE in either of these times. Earlier I talked about living in the past. Now let’s look at the dangers of living in the future.

I should start by clearly stating that I’m not advocating that you ignore the future and abandon forward-thinking goals and dreams. It is very important to plan your future and work towards it. The danger comes from looking EXCLUSIVELY at the future and ignoring the present moment.

Living in the future carries two dangers:

We might never start living. In my book, I wrote about about “the once trap”. Too often we are waiting for something to happen before we allow ourselves to start living.
“Once I get the promotion…”
“Once I finish MBA…”
“Once I weigh a certain amount…”
All too often we get so caught up in “the once trap” that we forget that ONCE is exactly how many times today comes around! We need to be mindful of this and make the most of every moment that we have.

We can be so goal-oriented that we don’t take time to appreciate what we’ve already achieved. Consider a dieter who obsesses so much over losing the last five pounds that they forget to rejoice over how much they’ve already lost.

There is another danger with living for the future… what happens to you when you get there? In his autobiography, astronaut Buzz Aldrin said that after walking on the moon, everything else in life seemed insignificant. This is clearly a person who was so focused on one goal for so long, that he forgot that simply walking on THIS planet each day is a tremendously significant achievement.

Previously, I urged you to learn the lessons that your past has to teach and then move beyond them into the present! Now I caution to you simply visit the future in order to help you plan and set goals. Now is the only time that truly matters because now is the only time we can work with. Living a mindful life provides a luxury that few people allow themselves – the luxury of enjoying things RIGHT NOW!

As I see it, there are three times: past, present and future. I believe that while it is important to think about the past and the future, it is very dangerous to LIVE in either of these times. Let me explain what I mean by that. (This post discusses the perils of living in the past and this post talks about living in the future.)

When it comes to living in the past, there are two major variations on this theme.

First, there are those who are constantly reliving past glories or accomplishments. These people define themselves by who they were and what they’ve done. These people believe that who you were in the past is who you will be in the future. Or that what you’ve had in the past is what you will have in the future. When life takes an unexpected twist, people who live in the past often have a very difficult time adjusting because they are too busy living in a state of disbelief. “This sort of thing doesn’t happen to me. I never expected this. How can this be happening? How will I ever cope?” We all know people who’ve said or thought these things.

The second group are those who are constantly reliving past setbacks or failures and define themselves by the problems that they’ve had in the past. Strangely enough, these people, like the first group, ALSO believe that who you were in the past, is who you will be in the future. They let the shadows of the past keep them from achieving wonderful things in the present. These shadows often obscure the new opportunities and possibilities that life is constantly offering us in the present. “I’ve never had any luck. The world is out to get me. Why would things get better now? Why bother trying?” Again, we all know people who’ve said or thought these things.

So far, scientists have said that Time travel is impossible. Yet I know someone who does it on a regular basis! She is able to instantly return to a past time in the blink of an eye. If the wrong name is mentioned or a painful subject is raised, this person is able to instantly transport herself back to the moment when the pain and anger were fresh. Her entire demeanour changes and it is as though she is back reliving the entire event. She can instantly ruin a great mood in the present just by thinking of some issues that are long past.

I urge you to learn the lessons that your past has to teach and then move beyond them into the present! Now is the only time that truly matters because now is the only time we can work with. Living a mindful life provides a luxury that few people allow themselves – the luxury of enjoying things RIGHT NOW!

Don’t forget… there are also dangers associated with living in the future.

I don’t have a Fuelband (but I’d like one, if anyone from Nike is reading!) but I really like the concept. It’s the athletic equivalent of my barcode tattoo – a visual reminder that everything we do each day counts.

Yesterday, I saw a video (below) by filmmaker Casey Neistat. He claims that he was hired by Nike to produce a movie promoting the Make It Count slogan, but instead took the money and left with his friend on a round-the-world adventure. Whether he really did that, or whether the video is exactly what Nike wanted, it’s wonderfully done and features many fantastic quotes and inspiring scenery.

Now I’m not suggesting that you go on a whirlwind trip until your money runs out. (Just ask John Brandrick about that.) I’m simply suggesting you look at what you can do with each day to make it count.

Here’s the longer answer:

Often, the notion of “being reasonable” is seen as a positive trait. But let’s stop and examine that more closely. If you think about it, who is the person who is most likely to invoke the phrase “let’s be reasonable”? I think it’s the person who feels they aren’t getting what they want out of the exchange or situation.

“Being reasonable” means that you’re going to listen to the other person’s reasons about why you should compromise your position.

COMPROMISE. Now there’s a word that’s loaded with double-meanings. Like the idea of “being reasonable”, the idea of “compromising” is often portrayed as an honorable trait or quality. But it also means “to weaken”. When your immune system is compromised, or the structural integrity of a building is compromised there’s nothing positive about it.

Gandhi didn’t set out to be reasonable. Martin Luther King Jr didn’t have a dream about making a compromise. How unrealistic was it of Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay to push to the top of Mount Everest? There are countless examples of people who have simply refused to settle for less.

I think it’s fine to compromise and be reasonable when it comes to regular, day-to-day stuff. (There’s no need to dual to the death over a parking space.) However, when you’re talking about choosing the life you want and living the life of your dreams, there is simply no room for being reasonable. It’s your life and you only get one – don’t compromise yourself.

So? What do you think? Are you up for it? Or do you think I’m going to far by suggesting that you be unreasonable? Let me know in the comments.

The oil companies are messing with the gas prices. Or maybe it’s the retailers who are doing it. All I know is that overnight the price of gasoline in my city jumped 21 cents per litre! The irrational fluctuations in the price of gas is one of my biggest pet peeves and regularly drives me absolutely crazy.

I was talking to my brother a while ago and asked him what the price of gas was in his area. I was shocked when he replied: “I have no idea. I never pay any attention to it.”

“How can you not pay attention to it?” I asked incredulously. “You drive a pickup truck that uses a ton of gas – don’t you want to keep an eye out for the cheapest station around?”

He replied simply, “I have to drive. My truck needs gas. There’s no way around it, so why stress about it?”

Then he added: “I already get worked up about enough things, why would I add one more to the list?”

That’s quite a concept when you stop and think about it. In effect, what my brother is saying, is that all of the things that worry, stress, aggravate or infuriate us can only do so if we choose to allow them. If something is bothering you – it’s because you’ve given that thing some of your mental bandwidth.

It’s a difficult reality to grasp – that we are responsible for our own suffering and upset. It’s difficult to admit that we are doing something that is causing us to suffer. It’s also difficult to accept that we can simply choose, like my brother, to not allow stressful things to preoccupy our thoughts. In an article titled Your Stress Is Worthless I admitted that “I feel like I’m being ‘responsible’ and ‘mature’ about things when I’m stressing over them.”

So here are the facts:

Gas prices will do what they do.

I can choose to drive or not drive.

If I choose to drive I *will* need gas.

Any interpretation beyond those facts is entirely up to me.

There are crucial turning points in everyone’s life where we are offered a chance to trade.  It’s like the old daytime gameshow “Let’s Make A Deal“. For those of you who’ve never seen it, contestants would do something to win a prize and then the host, Monty Hall, would offer to trade for something unseen – usually in a box or behind a door / curtain. Sometimes the trade would be a great one, sometimes you’d end up with a donkey. (I always wondered if they actually let you keep the donkey?)

What about you? What trades have you accepted?

For instance – Mathieu.com has been my domain since 1995 (yep!), but I haven’t really used it for anything for a number of years. It’s now back to being my main site and has had a similar facelift. This is where people can get information about my speaking and coaching services as well as information about my books. (Yes, I said books – plural – see below!)

ChooseTheLifeYouWant.com has been redesigned as a straightforward blog.

And… I’ve dusted off PowerOfMortality.com. I’ve recently realized that I still have more work to do in the area of helping people with the concept of Mortality.

I’m also re-evaluating my plans for a follow-up book.  Read more about those plans.

Ultimately, I want to thank you for being part of this fun ride and for all of your feedback!  Please be sure to subscribe to this blog and to the Power of Mortality blog via the Subscribe links at the right of each website. That way, you’ll always be up to date.

And please – feel free to let me know what you’d like to see me talk about in these spaces!  You can do that my commenting below, or by contacting me directly.

Thanks!

All of those are perfectly normal, perfectly OK, and not a sign of weakness or failure.

Here’s what I suggest you do if you run into one of these situations…

Change your focus.

No, I don’t mean to focus on something else. Just shift the depth of your focus in order to get a new perspective.

If you’re getting caught up in the details – pull back and focus on the big picture. Imagine how much better your life will be once you’ve achieved this new goal. Spend some time thinking about how this goal integrates into your overall dreams for your life. How much better will all areas of your life be, once you’ve accomplished this thing you’re working on?

Or, if you’re getting overwhelmed with the enormity of the changes you are making, zoom in and focus on one task – one small change – at a time. Minute by minute. Day by day.

You may find that you shift your depth of focus quite frequently. That’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re not committed. In fact, shifting your perspective is an excellent way to remain committed without becoming overwhelmed.

Keeping people from feeling overwhelmed is one of the main things I do when I coach people.  I help them to see the forest when all they can see is trees; and I help them to see the trees when there is nothing but forest.

So don’t be discouraged by plateaus, back-slides or feelings of overwhelm.  Shift your focus – change your perspective and keep on choosing the life you want!